Saturday, January 07, 2012

My Master Plan to Improve the Oscars - 2012

I could care less about the superbowl. I could care less about the Olympics. I could care less about the Barbara Walters' specials...

I do dig (when I can) watching the Academy Awards year after year, when I can- (the one where Michael Moore starts mouthing off at the president was a personal favorite one... although why did Sean Penn keep quiet that same year when he won an award? *sigh*)- and it's one of the few events during the year where I can get excited about who's going to win for this or that, in the hopes that he/she will get more clout to make more films that I actually like. (And maybe have more clout to do better movies in the future).

Oddly, I usually don't mind the excitement that surrounds the show for a bit. The world could use a distraction from all its real problems once a year--- but...

But, as we all know, the 'event' aspect of the Academy Awards keeps diminishing year after year--- and I do give credit for the producers to try to do something to shake things up and rethink some of the things that they've done in the past to alienate new viewers on their own anyways. (The omission of "The Dark Knight" was a crime against humanity. At least when the omitted 'Robocop' for best picture the year that came out, they had the decency to have Robo come out on stage at one point. Would it have killed them to have gotten Christian Bale to come on stage in full costume or zip by with the Batpod?).

(And I'm loving the chance to actually use that word)
Not that Hollywood has asked me, but here are my top ten suggestions to fix the Academy Awards and make it once again an event worth viewing:

#10: Get rid of recently new 'actors' self-contratulatory tribute to one another' kissing the ass of every actor who's nominated on the stage. Isn't it an honor just to be nominated? Do we really need to sit through a few minutes of having your overpaid co-star blather on about your contribution to mankind, just in case you lose? (*Angelina Jolie, Susan Sarandon, Sandra Bullock, Nick Cage, and a few other celebs who DO actually use their fortunes to aid mankind as an exception.)

Alternatively.... add a similiar five-minute tribute by other screenwriters, art directors, costumers, makeup crew, sound technicians by their colleagues or best friends from high school. If stars say that every person is equally important on a set, why doesn't the Academy put their money where their mouth is? Eh? Eh?

#9: Use a real stopwatch to time every Oscar winner who goes to the stage to thank his or her agent and everyone else on the planet (though of course the screenwriter usually is left out- go figure)....(*unless, of course, they're thanking me personally for their success, in case I demand that they add another hour and a headshot on stage for that situation). Also, rather than have the orchestra be the security guard when they go past time, actually use one of the security guards. A taser is far more effective than a guy with a tuba for silencing someone that needs to be silenced at the appropriate time.

#8: Speaking of Oscar speeches, no mention ever of your winning the Oscar as a defining moment of history. (Looking at you, Halle!) It may well be, but it's bad form.

#7: If you must have musical numbers, use Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, or Cirque Du Soleil. (But then again, Cirque Du Soleil can make a show about the AT&T Telephone book seem dangerous and exciting.)

#6: Where's the wheelchair ramp to the stage? Eh? Eh? For shame.

#5: Live animals on stage throughout the entire show to remind us all that entertainment is important, but so is humility. If they're not potty trained, the better. (Personally, I wouldn't mind the son or great grandson of the monkey in that old Clint Eastwood movie back when he was a young guy that you were intimidated by, as opposed to being an old guy that intimidates.)

#4: Steve Martin. As much as possible.

#3: Occupy tents on the red carpet for the Oscar pre-show. Hey, if these Occupy folks are REALLY serious about getting the attention of the 1%....

#2: Each Oscar statuette is worth far more than most families' income in these hard economic times. I say reduce the gold content by 80%, sell that portion of the gold to help the 99%, and keep 10% of the original Oscar statuette- (See my brilliant photoshopped concept below for how they can execute this)

#1: Change the name of the 'Oscars' to the 'Harv's'.

'nuff said.

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